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Posts Tagged ‘Vietnam’

My soul waits for the Lord

More than watchmen for the morning

More than watchmen for the morning.

Psalm 130:6 (ESV)

While this post has nothing to do with the stated purpose of this blog ( I posted it on my other blog) I wanted to place it here, because I hope it’s message will resonate with some of my readers who do not subscribe to my other blog.

For many years I felt I possessed an insight into this verse that a lot of people could not appreciate. Whenever I read this verse, invariably an image would come to mind of experiences I had in Vietnam. I remember being on guard in Vietnam, staring out into the darkness, praying that I would see nothing throughout a long and fearful night. Most of the time, the night would pass uneventfully, although it was not always to be so. But it’s that image of staring out into a darkness so black that it seems to envelop you that I most remember. Can you imagine the relief when daylight finally arrives and most of the danger is over? And that’s how it must have felt to watchmen on the city walls in the ancient world; fear turning to relief with the promise of one more day.

As I try to deal with a diagnosis of terminal lung cancer I feel some of that same anxiety. I see before me a darkness that threatens to swallow me up with no promise of daylight at the end. You see, I understand that life is too uncertain and our fears too real for them to be explained away simply by quoting an inspirational verse. You can quote this verse (and hundreds of others) to me, but the darkness is still there and the struggles ongoing.

So, what should we do with verses like this? First of all, be careful before you post an inspirational verse on social media. Can you understand that I now have two perspectives on this verse that many of you cannot identify with (Vietnam and cancer)? Posting a verse such as this provides little encouragement to me, unless it is put into a context that recognizes the full reality of my situation. I would even suggest that until you have experienced real hardship in life, perhaps you may not be the best one to provide encouragement. Better to leave that to those who have some battle scars and have experienced struggle firsthand.

So how can this and similar verses encourage us? Certainly not by some “health and wealth” platitude that everything is going to work out fine. From a material perspective, it may not. Yes, I can and do look forward in faith to a time when the darkness is over and an eternal morning dawns. I believe that, but I still have to deal everyday with pain and struggles that are so real I am reluctant to describe them. I have to watch my wife step in and do so many things that should be my responsibility. And although she does so magnificently and without a word of complaining, it is hard for me to accept.

So, just in case you missed it, here is the lesson with which I would leave you. Please recognize that life is real and struggle is part of it. For many of us the darkness is always there, ready to engulf us. Simply posting an inspirational verse or quotation by itself is not enough. Do something to acknowledge that you recognize the reality behind it. The last thing someone struggling with a serious problem needs is for someone to post something that just adds to their guilt, because they do not have a blind faith that takes away all of the fear. And as much as I long for the morning, today the darkness is still there. So, leave me with encouragement as I struggle with that darkness, rather than guilt because I am still struggling.

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This post is to let my readers know that the nature of this blog may change in ways that cannot be predicted at this time. On April 15, 2014, I was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Further tests are being run to determine the best course of treatment, but the oncologist made it clear that the goal of treatment is not to cure the disease, but to prolong my life.

I have never been a smoker, and we have no history of lung cancer (actually of much cancer at all) in our family. The oncologist agrees that if there is a single cause, it is most likely due to exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam. In the next day or two I will be contacting the Veterans Administration to apply for service related disability.

Obviously, this development will impact what happens to this blog going forward. Right now I intend to continue making posts, although they may be shorter and more infrequent. How that changes in the future is in God’s hands.

If anyone is interested, I have set up a CaringBridge site, which you can visit to get updates on my condition. You can also sign up there to be notified of new entries as I or my wife make them. The web address is:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/garycottrell

Since this is a Christian blog, I feel open about requesting prayers from believers who feel inclined to do so. I am most concerned about how this will impact my family, especially with a mentally disabled son living with us.

This is all I intend to say about this on my blog unless conditions change to the point that further information needs to be given.

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My New Book is Available

Cover for Kindle1998 I wrote my memoirs, describing my experiences with the U. S. Army in Vietnam during 1969-1970. The title of the book is In the Shadow of  Dragon Mountain. Because of the personal nature of the book, I did not publish it. Instead, I printed a limited number of copies for family and friends. I have rewritten this book and added a number of photographs which will display in color or black and white, depending on the device you use.

pdf copy is available as a free download. The book may also be purchased from Amazon in a Kindle format for $.99. Finally, a paperback version (pictures are in black and white) is available which Amazon is selling for $8.50.

The link below will take you to the “My Books” page of my blog where you can get more information. It also contains links to each version of the book.

https://garycottrell.wordpress.com/my-books/

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In 1998 I wrote my memoirs, describing my experiences with the U. S. Army in Vietnam during 1969-1970. The title of the book is In the Shadow of  Dragon Mountain. This book is available for download free of charge in a pdf format which has been sized appropriately for the IPad or a similar size tablet. Go to the “My Books” tab at the top of this blog to see the description and instructions for downloading.

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